If you watch from the outside, you might think that one person will boss around, while the other will just do chores, or buy stuff. That is quite far from the actual state of things.
Skip ! Story from Sex. Because I was going away for a week, we had a lot of back and forth before we eventually met. He seemed kind and interesting; we spoke about everything from family to feminism by way of film. Most attractively, he presented himself as a man seeking something that abolished longstanding gender roles.
If you want to find out more, check out my books and zines which cover this topic in more depth. If you like this, please do consider supporting my Patreon.
What is a submissive?
Some people are into all of the things listed under BDSM, and some only some of them. Of course it is pretty common for sex and power to be mixed together in our culture. For example, a lot of romance fiction involves people being rescued from peril or being swept away by somebody more powerful, and a lot of people fantasise about having the power of being utterly desirable to their partner.
People can identify as dominant, submissive, or switch which means that they are sometimes dominant and sometimes submissive.
More from sex & relationships
It might be that people stick to the same roles each time they play together, or that they take different roles on different occasions. Such scenes could involve any kind of exchange of power.
For example, the submissive person might serve the dominant one food, or give them a massage; the dominant person might order the submissive one around or restrain them or punish them in some way; people might act out particular power-based role-plays such as teacher and student, cop and robber, or pirate and captive.
This depends very much on how important it is in the lives of those involved. However, it should be remembered that most vanilla relationships have specific roles e. So perhaps the main difference is in the amount of communication.
Checklists and contracts can be useful ways of clarifying this. The media portrayal of BDSM has tended to be very negative, often associating it with violence, danger, abuse, madness and criminality.
Share this post
Research has shown that actually people who are into BDSM are no different from others in terms of emotional well-being or upbringing, and that they are no more likely to get serious injuries from their sex lives, or to be criminal, than anybody else. This is why it is useful to get a range of experiences out there in the media — so people can have more awareness of the diversity of things involved and the continuum e. Often people just assume what they other person will enjoy or how they would like the relationship to be.
BDSM communities and websites are a great place to look for more information from those who have been involved in these kinds of practices and relationships. Also local fetish fairs and kink events often include demonstrations and workshops.
There is more in my books Enjoy Sex and Rewriting the Rules about communicating about sex and relationships. Again this varies.
Having different sexual desires is one reason why some couples open up their relationship to one or both of them being sexual with another person. If this is communicated about clearly, kindly and thoughtfully, it can work perfectly well.
The important thing again is kindness and communication. The kinds of conversations and activities mentioned above are a great idea.
One of the good things about 50 Shades of Grey is that it has opened up this kind of conversation for many people. However, it is important not to assume that the only form of BDSM is the one described in the book. In a heterosexual couple it may well be that the woman is more dominant, for example, or that both people switch roles, and the things that they enjoy may well be different to the ones which Ana and Christian engage in in the book.
If you want to about different practices and how to do them, then there are lots of good books available about BDSM. For couples who are really struggling to communicate about sexor who have very different desires and are finding it hard to reconcile this, it might well be useful to see a sex and relationship therapist for a few sessions. The Pink Therapy website includes many kink-friendly therapists. And if you liked this, please do consider supporting my Patreon. They have also written a of books for scholars and counsellors on these topics, drawing on their own research and therapeutic practice.
Lindsay goldwert's new book has us reconsidering what it means to be submissive in bed
Become a Patron! Non-binary genders.
Kink awareness exercise. Why do so many people have misconceptions of this type of relationship?
How do couples go about beginning a relationship like this? What effect can this have on a marriage or couple relationship?
In regards to the hit book 50 Shades of Greymany husbands have bought this for their wives and girlfriends. Share this: Click to share on Twitter Opens in new window.
Rewriting the Rules on relationship book list. Stuck in alone or together: An opportunity to address stuck patterns. All About Boundaries.
R29 original series
Download free books. Download Free Zines. Write a Comment Required Name Required Website.